


Never Go On An SG-1 Package Holiday

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-06 22:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10345479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Something funny for you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Never Go On An SG-1 Package Holiday

Daniel stepped out of the gate into darkness. He realised that he was freezing cold, and he was dressed for warm weather. The MALP had shown it to be a balmy, desert-like world. There was three feet of snow around him. He felt like screaming, his legs were going numb. Everything was telling him to get out of there, and fast. 

"Hey, Daniel, are you starting to feel the heat?", Jack said, and then he chuckled to himself. 

"O'Neill, I do not think he is. It is rather cold here." 

"Uh, Teal'c?" 

"Yes, Daniel Jackson?" 

"It's an expression. It means when you're getting a bit, um, flustered. You know, into trouble." Teal'c simply nodded his head, even though he didn't have a clue what Daniel was talking about. Jack muttered something about 'sell-the-encyclopaedias-because-Daniel-knows-all-and-tells-all', and then Carter tried to come up with a possible explanation for it all. 

"Sir, I think I know what's caused this! It's to do with the Earth's gravitational field and alignment with the sun, and-" 

"Cram it Carter, before we get frostbite." 

"Yessir, Colonel O'Neill!!!" 

* * *

A week later, after SG-1 had been rescued from the clutches of the evil 'Earth's gravitational field and Sun alignment disaster', General Hammond decided that they had gone through so much, and they needed a vacation. So they packed their bags, and headed for Canada. 

"Oh, great, trees. That's new." 

"Colonel-" 

"Dammit, Sam, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, call me Jack off-duty!" 

"Sorry, sir." 

"Sam!" 

"I mean, uh, Jack!" 

"That's better. Now, what were you saying?" 

"Um, I've forgotten. Give me a minute, I'll remember it then." 

"Forget it, Sam." 

After many forgotten points and ad-libbed lines, they at last reached Canada. Daniel screeched about how he was finally able to see his favourite show, Madison. Sam, the only one with any prior knowledge of the terrain and tourist attractions, decided that they would go on a hiking holiday. Daniel moaned at length about Madison, and to shut him up they bought him a pocket t.v., care of the U.S. Air Force. He was pleased to bits about it, and didn't speak another word until 'it' happened. 

BANG!!! With a resounding crash that faded quickly into the enveloping countryside, the car jolted to a stop. Smoke started drifting out of the hood. Jack cried out, 

"What the hell?!" 

"It appears that there has been an accident, O'Neill." 

"Well, duuuuhhhh, Teal'c!" 

"What is a 'duuuuhhhh'?" 

"It means-" 

"Shut up Daniel! We have a crisis!" 

"fine, first thing I say in three hours of driving you think he'd listen to me....." 

"What was that, Dr.?" 

"Nothing, Jack! Um, just that the reception is gone, that's all! Nothing major, um Colonel. Oh! That was funny!!" Jack looked at him, then got out and opened up the hood. Daniel sulked in the back of the jeep. Sam got out too, and Teal'c decided to get away from the muttering Daniel Jackson. 

"@&*%$£{}@[])(!!!" he muttered quietly to himself, stopping every so often as Jack eyed him suspiciously. Daniel finally got out of the car, after much frustration and cursing from Jack. 

"Maybe it's the-" He tried, before Jack tried to glare at him, but in doing so, he had to come out from under the hood. He unsuccessfully tried, and bumped his head off the open hood. Daniel suddenly came out of his sulk, and suppressed a laugh, though not very convincingly. Jack continued, and glared at Daniel, who again tried to express his solution to the car, but he was stopped again by Jack's 'evil eye', and he stopped. But then the reception came back on the t.v. around his neck, and he pottered off to the nearest tree, sat down under it, and sank back into the world of Madison, with a murmer of, 'that guy looks a little familiar...' 

Three hours later, the marathon ended, and Daniel walked back over to the real world, only it seemed to have a higher rating than before. Things were not going well. 

"Glad to see you're here, Danny-boy, now if you could just mind pinpointing on that map over there where you think you are, we may be able to send you running." Daniel sighed, and reched for the OS map out of the glove compartment. He looked around him, and took notice of the three peaks surrounding them. He found, much to his dismay, that the nearest town was at least four hours driving away, and a days' walking. He didn't have to say anything to Jack. He just looked at him. Jack muttered, 

"Aw, crap." Sam looked disapprovingly at Jack, but he glared. Teal'c's face somehow lifted. 

"Listen. I hear a vehicle approaching!" They all listened, then they looked. A station-wagon was coming. It took all of five minutes for the car to get there, but by the time it did, Jack's hopes dipped. The driver got out, and said, 

"Ca va?" Jack looked dismal. 

"Aw-" But Daniel pointed at the car, and made a few gestures. 

"Aller a Vancouver?" Jack looked at Daniel, then realised he was standing next to a man who could speak over twenty-three languages, and hundreds of different derivations. He almost slapped himself. 

"Ask him if he's going to Vancouver, Daniel." 

"I just did." 

"Oh." 

"Oui. Mais-un homme." 

"What?" 

"He said he can only take one of us, Jack." 

"Oh." 

"Well, sir,-" 

"Sam!" 

"-Jack, we'd better chose who goes. Daniel should because he can speak French. Or you, because you know what's wrong with the jeep." Jack eyed her disapprovingly. 

"Alright, then, Daniel goes." Daniel stuttered. 

"M-Me? Um, alright, then." And he got into the car, and they drove off. 

"Damn lucky Daniel, I need to go to the loo!" 

"Jack, wy don't you go behind a tree!!!" Sam teased. Jack eyed her again, and raced off into the woods. Sighs of relief were heard, and echoed all over the small valley. 

Daniel was thinking, 

"This was a big mistake." It turned out that he was in the trunk of the car. Five minutes after they were out of sight of the jeep and the rest of SG-1, the driver had stopped the car, held a gun to Daniel's throat, and tied him up and shoved him into the boot. But he managed to drop his little pocket t.v. on the ground, and he let out cry before the driver closed the boot on him and about $4 million dollars worth of heroin in little plastic bags. The driver laughed mockingly, and said something about the border. Daniel almost laughed despite himself in the trunk. SG-1 would be waiting a while before help would come. He was about to think what the driver would do to him if they were discovered, but then a somewhat muffled BANG was heard, and the car shuddered to a halt. Daniel laughed out loud as he realised the car had broken down. He then heard the driver call out, 

"MERDE!!!!" Daniel started giggling uncontrollably, and the driver continued swearing. 

"Help!" SG-1 looked up. 

"What was that?" 

"It sounded like Daniel Jackson calling for help." about ten minutes later, an echoed BANG reached them. 

"Come on, kiddies, let's go." After walking for about fifteen minutes, they came upon Daniel's t.v. 

"Something's up, kids." 

"I am not a child, O'Neill, and please stop referring me to one." 

"Fine, Teal'c. Come on, there's something way up ahead." They continued up the road, and when they turned a bend, they saw the driver with his head under the hood, smoke pouring out, while the whole car shook. No Daniel. Jack walked up to the driver who looked very strangely at them, then turned white as he recognised them. 

"Where's Daniel?" As no recognition crossed the driver's face, Jack indicated Daniel's glasses to the driver, who turned even paler. Finally he stammered, 

"Daniel, il a toilettes! A la bois!!" And he looked even whiter than before. The car shook even more. 

"What does that mean, exactly?" An extremely muffled voice from the trunk said, 

"It means I've gone to the loo in the woods, Jack. Actually, I'm in the trunk." Jack walked over to the trunk, and opened it. In it he found a thoroughly tied up Daniel giggling like a schoolgirl, surrounded by bags of heroin. Jack realised that some had tipped accidentally into Daniel's mouth, and he was high as a kite. 

"Now whenever anybody asks, 'have you ever done drugs, Daniel', I can say yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!" He was hyper. Jack laughed as Teal'c looked on, confused again. 

"What is wrong with Daniel Jackson, O'Neill?" 

"He's high, Teal'c. High as a kite." 

"What does high mean, he is very low." 

"Teal'c, here on earth we have several types of substances that mix with the bodys chemicals a bit, and they're called drugs. They boost your energy. You can become addicted to them, like the Sarcophagus. I doubt that Daniel will become addicted, he's only had a small bit. But he's got a very low tolerence to them, so he's really high. High is when you're at the peak of the drugs effects. That particular one looks like heroin, is it Jack?" 

"Yup. God Daniel, you just can't stop being the good guy, can you? Ah, well, we'll take this guys car to the city. The jeep is totally gone." Daniel burst out laughing again. 

"Just how much of that did you eat, Danny?" 

"Um, about a bag full? No, a little less. Darn, I can't remember! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!!" 

"Aw-" 

"Please, Jack. forget the crap and lets-" Just then, their jeep went flying past, two men inside, closely followed by a smaller, newer jeep. Jack immediately recognised it as a jeep belonging to the Canadian Government. It stopped a little up the road, and reversed back. The two men from each vehicle stepped out, and said to Jack, 

"We'll handle this, sir. You just stand back. Is this your jeep, sir?" And he pointed. Jack nodded. Then he looked over to the trunk, where the smallest man had the smuggler in handcuffs. He was reading him his rights in French. The other two men were hoisting Daniel out of the boot, and putting him into handcuffs. They also started reading him his rights, in French, until he giggled and told them he was American. Before anyone could say 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious', they had Daniel, the driver/smuggler, and all the bags of heroin in their jeep, and they were gone. Jack tried to protest, but they were gone. Jack bundled everyone into their battered jeep, and sped after him, after remembering to go back and pick up Daniel's expensive little t.v. They sped after the jeep. 

When they arrived back in Vancouver, they headed straight for the U.S. Embassy building. After much cursing at the receptionist, they finally managed to get through to the room where they were holding Daniel. He was holding his head in his hands, begging the guard on duty for an aspirin. Deep circles lined his bright red bloodshot eyes. Jack said to Sam, 

"He's looked worse". She smiled, and the guard opened the door. 

"Hey, Daniel" 

"Go away, Jack." Jack looked taken aback, but quickly regained himself. 

"Why?" 

"Because I've got a monster headache, my allergies are flaring up, I've been accused of drug smuggling and being inebriated illegally, and you've got my passport so they think I'm an illegal alien. Go away before I say something I regret. They guarantee that I'll be out in about 20 years time, si I'll see you then. Bye." And he buried his head in hands again. Jack tried to say something, but Daniel was unconscious with the drugs. Jack yelled for a medic, and three hours later, Daniel was stabilised. Jack remarked with anguish and a few colourful words on the frequency of this in fanfics. Thirteen days of court hearings and the pushing of the President of the United States aginst Canada, and Daniel was released. (here comed the happy, no wait, it's actually a sappy ending) 

"You know Jack, I think that getting blown to pieces at least once a week is better than a vacation with you guys!"   


* * *

>   
> © June 18,1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,   
> Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd.   
> Partnership.  
> This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and   
> solely meant for entertainment.   
> All other characters, the story idea and the story itself   
> are the sole property of the author.   
> 

* * *

  


##### I want to thank Yum@ for this one. Go on girl, take a bow! 

* * *

  
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